The business of infidelity

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"What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility."
Leo Tolstoy

News
A recent newspaper report announced that the world’s largest website promoting infidelity had just opened in the UK.  The founder of Ashley Madison said that over 7 million people around the world had used the site since 2001.  He justified his approach by saying that people are going to cheat on their partners anyway, and he is just helping his customers do it more discreetly, and avoid certain pitfalls.  “We’re living in an infidelity world; monogamy is dead,” confidently declared Canadian businessman Noel Biderman, who is behind the agency.

What does this say about the relational climate of our culture?  Firstly it reflects the impact of individualism on relationships: our personal needs are paramount, and if these are not being met fully in our present relationship, then we feel entitled to look elsewhere – no matter the risk of causing tremendous pain to our partners, our children, our parents….

Secondly, in setting up a business to help people lie and cheat on their partners, Mr Biderman is normalising deceit and falsehood.  But do those same people feel any less hurt or indignant when they are on the receiving end of such actions?  Lastly, the apparent respectability of this website adds credibility to the notion that marriages will inevitably fail.

Affairs appear to offer freedom – from the constraints of commitment.  Yet true freedom in relationships depends on trust and that in turn is nurtured by each partner being faithful and honouring their commitment to the other.  The more couples seek to build that kind of freedom in their relationships, the less demand there will be for Mr Biderman’s sordid business. 

Read on...

What is the state of marriage in Britain?  Our colleagues at the Jubilee Centre produced an insightful resource, The UK Marriage Index 2009, providing a snapshot of the nation’s marital health – and what can be done to improve it.  Read the short paper here www.jubilee-centre.org/uploaded/files/resource_336.pdf  

Walk the talk

Hopefully the thought of infidelity is one you will rarely have to struggle with, but small daily choices can strengthen your relationship: kind words, a thoughtful action, an expression of affection, some undivided attention, or an unexpected gift.  Which one could you do today for your spouse?.

The last word

From the Bible, Matthew 18, verse 7 is a sobering thought: "Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the man through whom they come!”

Friday Five: Chile miners rescue - a triumph for relationships

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"And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." Kahlil Gibran.

News
Something very special happened in Chile this week.  The seventy day ordeal of the 33 miners trapped underground came to a triumphant end, and people all round the world cheered as one by one the miners were lifted to safety and their families, freedom and fame.

Sadly, industrial accidents happen all the time, miners are trapped and killed underground regularly, yet such events rarely attract more than a cursory news report.  What made this one so special?  Was it the record breaking length of time the miners were underground?  Was it the extraordinary drama of the survival and rescue operation that was unfolding before the world’s media gathered at the San Jose mine?  Or perhaps it was the way this story brings to the fore the immense value and potential of human relationships… 

Witness the dedication, hard work and skill of the rescuers as they sought to reach their trapped colleagues in time.  Witness the way the miners had to organise themselves, eke out their meagre supplies, and keep their spirits up awaiting rescue.  Witness the way in which people around the world helped the Chilean government in the operation: special cellphones from Korea, flexible fiber-optic cable from Germany, advice from NASA, the rescue capsule from Austria, the U.S.-manufactured rig and drill bits – paid for by Japanese and British investors – that managed to penetrate through the rock in record time.

Perhaps best of all was the moment each miner was reunited with his loved ones after emerging from what could so easily have been his tomb.  Those of us watching were privileged to witness affection in its purest form – something present in most relationships yet so often diluted or neglected by the stresses of everyday family life.  This time, however, that love for another – distilled and refined by the agonising ten week ordeal endured by the miners and their families camped in the desert of northern Chile – was poured out tenderly, uniquely, gloriously in each long hoped for embrace.

Read on...

The BBC spent an unprecedented £100,000 on covering the rescue in Chile; the themes of courage, hope and jubilation come through frequently in this blow by blow account of the operation: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/9086813.stm  

Walk the talk

Are you aware of a prolonged ordeal that a friend or acquaintance is going through?  Think of an action or gesture which you might make to demonstrate they are not forgotten, and if possible help to lighten their load, even if only for a short while. 

The last word

From the Bible, Galatians chapter 6 verse 2: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ.”

NHS reforms: counting the hidden costs of change

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"The greatest danger in times of turbulence is not the turbulence; it is to act with yesterday’s logic." Peter Drucker

News
Today the British Medical Association issued its official response to Health Secretary Andrew Lansley’s proposal for far-reaching reforms of Britain’s health service, the NHS.  These include giving more freedom and choice to patients, passing to groups of local doctors the responsibility for purchasing hospital services, eliminating whole swathes of management, and privatising an increasing number of clinical services.

The BMA argue in their response that the reforms could well undermine the stability and long term future of the NHS, setting different groups of clinicians against each other, and be costly to implement.  In a hard hitting letter to Mr Lansley, the BMA writes, "We urge the government and NHS organisations to focus on those areas where they can truly eliminate waste and achieve genuine efficiency savings rather than adopt a slash-and-burn approach to health care, with arbitrary cuts and poorly considered policies."

Any change in organizational structure has relational costs and implications; new relationships must be created, requiring time for people to gain understanding and trust; existing relationships can be improved but other productive ones may have to be truncated.  One problem with the present analysis is that the indirect costs (in terms of money, time and productivity) incurred in changing relationships are not brought into the equation and set off against the intended financial benefits.

A question that should be at the heart of any sweeping reform to public services is, “What relational architecture would be the most effective in increasing quality of services and to improve efficiency?”

Read on...

Our colleagues at the Relationships Foundation published a book at the end of their Relational Health Care research project, entitled “Relationships in the NHS”.  The third chapter argues for the notion that relationships are the most important, and the most neglected, resource in the NHS.  Read it here www.relationshipsglobal.net/Web/OnlineStore/Product.aspx?ID=51 

Walk the talk

Are you involved in any discussions regarding change in your organisation?  The next time your opinion is sought, why not raise the question of what relationships will be affected under each option, and are the relational as well as financial costs and benefits of the changes being taken into consideration?

The last word

From the Bible, Ecclesiastes 7, verse10: “Do not say, ‘Why were the old days better than these?’ For it is not wise to ask such questions.”