Friday 30 March 2012

Face values

Quote
“For news of the heart, ask the face.”  Cambodian proverb.

News
Last week the most extensive face transplant ever undertaken is transforming the life of American Richard Lee Norris, who was disfigured in a horrific shooting accident in 1997, when he was 22.  Even though he now has the appearance of another man, he can, literally, face the world again.

Considered to be the ‘organ of emotion’, the human face is capable of 5000 different expressions.  They provide information about moods and emotions, cognitive activity, temperament and personality, truthfulness and psychopathology (aiding in mental health diagnosis).

Remarkably, people of every culture use the same mannerisms to show their emotions.  Our facial expressions are universal and innate to us as human beings, leading to their central role in interpersonal relationships. 

Being ‘face-to-face’ with another person provides the most comprehensive environment for communication and understanding – to build and cherish relationships on one hand, or to repair them on the other.  Eye contact reveals the inner person with their thoughts and feelings; opening a window into the soul. 

Our face encapsulates our identity and our relationality.  Hence injury or disfigurement to the face – through accidents, operations, resulting from a stroke or other illness – is potentially more disabling than injury to other parts of the body, because it affects one’s ability to relate.

Western culture makes an idol out of photogenic beauty; we have a billion dollar beauty industry, but how much do we spend on the development of character, valuing each and every human face and the unique person behind it?

Read on...
Dr Paul Brand was someone who understood more than most the link between disfigurement 
and social rejection, after a lifetime of working to restore the hands of leprosy sufferers in India.   Read a short article he wrote on “The Wisdom of the Body” here.

Walk the talk
To what extent do you subconsciously adopt the prevailing value system by esteeming the handsome over the plain, the slim over the overweight, the young over the old?   Is there any relationship where you need to pay more attention to the person’s underlying character?

The last word
From the Bible, 1 Samuel 16, verse 7: “People look at the outward appearances but the Lord looks at the heart.”

Friday 23 March 2012

Pray for Muamba

Quote
“When you pray, rather let your heart be without words than your words without heart.”  John Bunyan

News
The tragic collapse of 23 year old footballer Fabrice Muamba during Saturday’s FA Cup match sent a shock wave through the world of football.  After the paramedics failed to resuscitate the player on the pitch, he was rushed to the London Chest Hospital.  The game was cancelled and the shocked spectators were left bewildered that this young man could be playing world class football one minute and be fighting for his life the next. 

As the news spread, so did a rallying cry, ‘Pray for Muamba’, led by his fiancée Shauna.  Over the weekend, 685,000 tweets contained the hashtag #PrayForMuamba, and thousands of get well messages were sent via Facebook and other social media. 
 
The response to this very public tragedy brings the relational nature of life sharply into focus.  Perfect strangers were touched by the plight of Muamba, the courage of his fiancée, the dedication of the NHS staff (including the cardiologist-cum-Spurs fan, who ran on to the pitch to help) and the compassion of his Bolton colleagues.  These show the true value of ‘horizontal’ relationships such as a loving family, committed friendships and a caring society. 
 
But the rallying cry points to a ‘vertical’ relational dimension too.  ‘Pray for Muamba’ was relayed by believers and non-religious people alike; the latter invoked an unknown God, because they sensed, perhaps, that such a spectacular demise can only be reversed by a supernatural intervention.  Indeed, the cardiologist admitted that the player’s recovery over the weekend was nothing short of miraculous.
 
And all this takes place in a country which only a few weeks ago sought to ban prayers from local council meetings.  Perhaps the lesson from this is that we would do well to ensure that public policy and the decisions of judges support, protect and encourage the quality of relationships which make life worth living for all of us.
 
Read on
Friendship is within the grasp of everyone; cultivating and keeping friendships is one of the most relationally fulfilling things we can do.  A chapter in the R Option by Michael Schluter and David Lee offers guidance in making friendships work; read it here.
 
Walk the talk
Is there someone you know who is sick, and who would be encouraged by a phone call, a card or even better a visit from you?  If yes, then don’t let the opportunity pass by – act on it!
 
Verse
Matthew 25, 35-36 “I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.”

Friday 16 March 2012

The dilemmas of adoption

Quote
“Children need two things. One is roots and the other is wings.”  Anon

News
The Prime Minister announced his intention last week to speed up the process of adoption in England, since it takes on average two and a half years for a child to be adopted after being taken into care.

It’s clear that the adoption system is slow and bureaucratic, and a glimpse at the complex web of relational dilemmas surrounding children in care helps explain why. Social services have to consider the relational risks and benefits of the four options: returning the child to a parent or relative; placing the child with a foster family; permanent adoption into another family or keeping the child in a care home.

The culture in social services often views adoption as very much second best; biological relationships come first so the priority is to restore children to their (extended) family – even if that takes months or years to achieve. However, while social workers are keen not to separate a child in the long run from their biological family, every month that goes by leaves the child’s security and attachment issues unresolved.

Our capricious media has encouraged an excessively cautious approach to adoption, as professionals want to avoid the risk of a bad placement; society rarely praises them for successfully getting children out of the care system, instead they are vilified whenever there is a failure.

Speeding up the adoption process will help the relatively small proportion of children who are adoptable; as for the remainder of the 65,520 children in state care in England, their relational needs must be the first goal in any further shake up of the care system.

Read on…
Developmental psychologist Sharon Willmer has collaborated with the Relationships Foundation on a research project looking at five foundations for maturation; the first one if these is attachment.  Read this chapter in the forthcoming report here.

Walk the talk
A child’s development is most often assessed in terms of health indicators or academic progress; harder to measure are the emotional and relational factors.  If you have any children in your care, why not take a few minutes to brush up on ways to get them talking with you about their friendships and feelings?  (Check out some ideas here.)

The last word
From the Bible, Matthew 19 verses 13-14: “Then little children were brought to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked those who brought them.  Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.’ ”

Friday 2 March 2012

Meryl Streep’s greatest success?

Quote
“In Hollywood a girl's virtue is much less important than her hairdo. You're judged by how you look, not by what you are. Hollywood's a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss, and fifty cents for your soul." Marilyn Monroe

News
Meryl Streep is a major success by anyone’s standards. The versatile and gifted character actor has been nominated for a record number of Golden Globes and Academy Awards; she won her third Oscar on Sunday for her portrayal of Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady.

Success is defined in different ways in different cultures and professions; in the world of entertainment, talent, professionalism, luck, determination and teamwork are all contributing factors. In Meryl Streep’s acceptance speech, it was clear she valued one thing above all others in her success both on and off the stage.

Unlike many speeches at the Oscars, it was not a diplomatic list of credits and tributes; she only thanked two people by name.  Firstly Don Gummer, her husband of 33 years, to whom she said, “I want [you] to know that everything I value most in our lives you’ve given me.”  Then she credited her professional colleague, hair stylist and makeup artist Roy Helland, for working with her for 37 years, including every single film from Sophie’s Choice in 1982 (for which she won her second Oscar) to the Iron Lady (for which Helland won his first).

Amid the rivalry, glitz and superficiality of Hollywood, Meryl Streep is an example of someone who is committed to continuity in relationships over the long haul. The fruit of this in professional accomplishment and in a deeply fulfilled family life were eloquently demonstrated in her acceptance speech. That’s not something one expects to see on Oscar night.

Read on
What does it take to build and maintain personal or professional relationships over the long haul?  One essential ingredient is friendship.  Read the chapter entitled “Friends” in the R Option by Michael Schluter and David Lee here.

Walk the talk
Is there someone who has worked for you over a long period, but who gets less credit than you do for what you accomplish together?   Why not find a way of honouring them publicly for their unique contribution to the success of the venture?

Last word
From the Bible: Proverbs 18 verse 24, “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”