The business of infidelity

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"What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility."
Leo Tolstoy

News
A recent newspaper report announced that the world’s largest website promoting infidelity had just opened in the UK.  The founder of Ashley Madison said that over 7 million people around the world had used the site since 2001.  He justified his approach by saying that people are going to cheat on their partners anyway, and he is just helping his customers do it more discreetly, and avoid certain pitfalls.  “We’re living in an infidelity world; monogamy is dead,” confidently declared Canadian businessman Noel Biderman, who is behind the agency.

What does this say about the relational climate of our culture?  Firstly it reflects the impact of individualism on relationships: our personal needs are paramount, and if these are not being met fully in our present relationship, then we feel entitled to look elsewhere – no matter the risk of causing tremendous pain to our partners, our children, our parents….

Secondly, in setting up a business to help people lie and cheat on their partners, Mr Biderman is normalising deceit and falsehood.  But do those same people feel any less hurt or indignant when they are on the receiving end of such actions?  Lastly, the apparent respectability of this website adds credibility to the notion that marriages will inevitably fail.

Affairs appear to offer freedom – from the constraints of commitment.  Yet true freedom in relationships depends on trust and that in turn is nurtured by each partner being faithful and honouring their commitment to the other.  The more couples seek to build that kind of freedom in their relationships, the less demand there will be for Mr Biderman’s sordid business. 

Read on...

What is the state of marriage in Britain?  Our colleagues at the Jubilee Centre produced an insightful resource, The UK Marriage Index 2009, providing a snapshot of the nation’s marital health – and what can be done to improve it.  Read the short paper here www.jubilee-centre.org/uploaded/files/resource_336.pdf  

Walk the talk

Hopefully the thought of infidelity is one you will rarely have to struggle with, but small daily choices can strengthen your relationship: kind words, a thoughtful action, an expression of affection, some undivided attention, or an unexpected gift.  Which one could you do today for your spouse?.

The last word

From the Bible, Matthew 18, verse 7 is a sobering thought: "Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the man through whom they come!”

Friday Five: Chile miners rescue - a triumph for relationships

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"And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." Kahlil Gibran.

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Something very special happened in Chile this week.  The seventy day ordeal of the 33 miners trapped underground came to a triumphant end, and people all round the world cheered as one by one the miners were lifted to safety and their families, freedom and fame.

Sadly, industrial accidents happen all the time, miners are trapped and killed underground regularly, yet such events rarely attract more than a cursory news report.  What made this one so special?  Was it the record breaking length of time the miners were underground?  Was it the extraordinary drama of the survival and rescue operation that was unfolding before the world’s media gathered at the San Jose mine?  Or perhaps it was the way this story brings to the fore the immense value and potential of human relationships… 

Witness the dedication, hard work and skill of the rescuers as they sought to reach their trapped colleagues in time.  Witness the way the miners had to organise themselves, eke out their meagre supplies, and keep their spirits up awaiting rescue.  Witness the way in which people around the world helped the Chilean government in the operation: special cellphones from Korea, flexible fiber-optic cable from Germany, advice from NASA, the rescue capsule from Austria, the U.S.-manufactured rig and drill bits – paid for by Japanese and British investors – that managed to penetrate through the rock in record time.

Perhaps best of all was the moment each miner was reunited with his loved ones after emerging from what could so easily have been his tomb.  Those of us watching were privileged to witness affection in its purest form – something present in most relationships yet so often diluted or neglected by the stresses of everyday family life.  This time, however, that love for another – distilled and refined by the agonising ten week ordeal endured by the miners and their families camped in the desert of northern Chile – was poured out tenderly, uniquely, gloriously in each long hoped for embrace.

Read on...

The BBC spent an unprecedented £100,000 on covering the rescue in Chile; the themes of courage, hope and jubilation come through frequently in this blow by blow account of the operation: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/9086813.stm  

Walk the talk

Are you aware of a prolonged ordeal that a friend or acquaintance is going through?  Think of an action or gesture which you might make to demonstrate they are not forgotten, and if possible help to lighten their load, even if only for a short while. 

The last word

From the Bible, Galatians chapter 6 verse 2: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ.”

NHS reforms: counting the hidden costs of change

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"The greatest danger in times of turbulence is not the turbulence; it is to act with yesterday’s logic." Peter Drucker

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Today the British Medical Association issued its official response to Health Secretary Andrew Lansley’s proposal for far-reaching reforms of Britain’s health service, the NHS.  These include giving more freedom and choice to patients, passing to groups of local doctors the responsibility for purchasing hospital services, eliminating whole swathes of management, and privatising an increasing number of clinical services.

The BMA argue in their response that the reforms could well undermine the stability and long term future of the NHS, setting different groups of clinicians against each other, and be costly to implement.  In a hard hitting letter to Mr Lansley, the BMA writes, "We urge the government and NHS organisations to focus on those areas where they can truly eliminate waste and achieve genuine efficiency savings rather than adopt a slash-and-burn approach to health care, with arbitrary cuts and poorly considered policies."

Any change in organizational structure has relational costs and implications; new relationships must be created, requiring time for people to gain understanding and trust; existing relationships can be improved but other productive ones may have to be truncated.  One problem with the present analysis is that the indirect costs (in terms of money, time and productivity) incurred in changing relationships are not brought into the equation and set off against the intended financial benefits.

A question that should be at the heart of any sweeping reform to public services is, “What relational architecture would be the most effective in increasing quality of services and to improve efficiency?”

Read on...

Our colleagues at the Relationships Foundation published a book at the end of their Relational Health Care research project, entitled “Relationships in the NHS”.  The third chapter argues for the notion that relationships are the most important, and the most neglected, resource in the NHS.  Read it here www.relationshipsglobal.net/Web/OnlineStore/Product.aspx?ID=51 

Walk the talk

Are you involved in any discussions regarding change in your organisation?  The next time your opinion is sought, why not raise the question of what relationships will be affected under each option, and are the relational as well as financial costs and benefits of the changes being taken into consideration?

The last word

From the Bible, Ecclesiastes 7, verse10: “Do not say, ‘Why were the old days better than these?’ For it is not wise to ask such questions.”

The Commonwealth Games: more at stake than gold medals

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“Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, disregard of all rules and sadistic pleasure in witnessing violence. In other words, it is war minus the shooting.”  George Orwell.

News
Next week's Commonwealth Games in India threatens to be a fiasco.  The sports facilities in Delhi are unsafe, two structures have collapsed over the last few days, and parts of the athletes' accommodation are barely fit for human habitation.  Several competitors have pulled out, worried about health and security issues.

Despite India's rich tradition in offering hospitality, they are struggling to welcome the world's athletes as they had hoped.  On closer inspection there are a multiplicity of relational issues behind the physical failures that are glaringly apparent in Delhi.

Local journalists state the problems stem from India wanting to compete with China, trying to outdo their hosting of the last Olympics.  Effective coordination of the numerous organising committees for the Games has been hampered by a failure of the various chairpersons to meet - another relationship problem.  Protests over the displacement of over 100,000 people from the land needed to build the venues and the appaling safety record of construction (47 building workers have been killed), and lobbying by environmental groups have added to delays in the project.  These suggest that the elites are pursuing national prestige at the expense of the most vulnerable, uprooting some of Delhi's poorest citizens and destroying their communities.

This begs the question, who are the Commonwealth Games for?  Which relationships are enrichened by having the Games in India?  Most Indians are not even interested in track and field events - their national sports are hockey and cricket.  If the government's main motivation is to prove to other nations that India is a modern, sophisticated country, ready to host major international sports events and take its place on the world stage, then sadly, the evidence this week suggests the opposite. 

Read on...

What makes a nation great?  We would argue that it comes from the quality of its relationships, not just at the household level, but across the wide spectrum of public and private life.  Our colleagues at Relationships Foundation argue that a new set of national policy goals is needed, based on national wellbeing, which in turn depends on the quality of our relationships.  Read their persuasive arguments in "A Relationships State of the Nation" www.relationshipsglobal.net/Web/OnlineStore/Product.aspx?ID=50.

Walk the talk

Although it may be subconsciously done, how often do you seek to build your reputation on the outward signs of success, rather than on the strength of your character and the quality of your relationships?  It may be countercultural to choose the latter, but it is authentic and the rewards are enduring.

The last word

From the Bible, Proverbs 14:34: "Righteousness [which can be defined as right relationships] exalts a nation..."

The US Tea Party and the spectre of fascism

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“Democracy is talking itself to death. The people do not know what they want; they do not know what is the best for them. There is too much foolishness, too much lost motion. I have stopped the talk and the nonsense. I am a man of action. Democracy is beautiful in theory; in practice it is a fallacy. You in America will see that some day.”  Benito Mussolini in a letter to the New York Times, 1928.

News
A sea change in US politics in favour of the “Tea Party” movement is emerging in the US primaries ahead of the November elections for Congress. On Wednesday, newcomer Christine O’Donnell beat veteran congressman Mike Castle to the Republican nomination for Delaware, sending a powerful message to the party elite that people want change.

Named after the Boston Tea Party in 1773, this populist movement has emerged from nowhere as an angry reaction to the massive government bailout of big corporations and costly health care reforms – all at the taxpayers expense.    

Although the current focus of the movement is strictly economic (the central tenets are fiscal responsibility, limited government and free markets), some of its leading supporters have far right political views.  Opponents on the left criticize some Tea Party members as racist, but others recognize that it is helping democracy by warning how the federal government's amassing of power is taking the country in a totalitarian direction.

Whatever the Tea Party becomes, it has won the support of nearly 20% of the US population in just 18 months, without any leadership or central organization.  It shows how quickly large numbers of angry, disaffected citizens can be rallied, especially using the internet. 

While the movement seems mostly level-headed now, it is vulnerable to being swayed by a more militant rallying cry – which is raising the spectre of fascism again in European countries such as Austria, France, Belgium and UK.

Read on...

Michael Schluter has written some brief notes reflecting on the rising threat of fascism as one of the long term implications and consequences of the West’s debt crisis.  You can read them here: www.relationshipsglobal.net/Web/OnlineStore/Product.aspx?ID=49

Walk the talk

Anger is a normal reaction to injustice and wrongdoing.  It is a powerful motivator to action.  The challenge for individuals and groups in society is how to direct that anger in a constructive way in order to right wrongs and oppose injustice – but without retaliation or revenge.  The benefits of getting this right are immense, as is the further damage of getting it wrong.  How well are you directing your anger, both personally and towards what is happening in society?

The last word

From the Bible, Matthew 16, verse 3: "You know how to interpret the appearance of the sky, but you cannot interpret the signs of the times."

Post mortem on the Gulf oil disaster

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"I would love to just spend a lot of my time venting and yelling at people. But that's not the job I was hired to do. My job is to solve this problem," President Obama on the Gulf oil spill.

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On Wednesday BP published its report on what went wrong on the ill-fated Deepwater Horizon drilling rig on 20^th April.  No one action or inaction was behind the accident, states the report, instead "multiple companies, work teams and circumstances were involved over time".  However, the words blame, regret, apology, mistake and pollution are completely absent from the report.

Not surprisingly, the language of the report and initial responses from the two other companies involved tries to spread the responsibility as widely as possible, since any clear admission of liability would lead to far greater lawsuits for damages and compensation.

The tragedy of this disaster is not only the 11 lives lost, the fishing and tourism businesses which have suffered, and the long term damage to the environment.  The culture of blame and litigation has ended up preventing the people who know that they took a wrong decision from apologising unreservedly to those who have suffered as a result – which could at least have brought healing to the relationship and eased the burden of guilt. 

Instead, although the leaking well has finally been capped, and victims of the disaster will get compensation, the flow of resentment and bitterness that is still leaking into the hearts of many people remains unchecked.

Read on...

Donald Shriver’s book “An Ethic for Enemies – Forgiveness in Politics” seeks to explore beyond the language of justice in international relations to how forgiveness between nations might enter the realm of politics.  To get a taste of this challenging book, you can read the introduction here www.relationshipsglobal.net/Web/OnlineStore/Product.aspx?ID=48 

Walk the talk

Although forgiveness is usually between two individuals, relationships between individuals and groups can also be broken (e.g. between a Louisiana fisherman and BP as a company.)  The next time you are aware of any resentment in your heart against a group – perhaps a social class, members of a different race or nation, or the adherents of another religion, consider what lies at its root and how you might find a way towards forgiveness. 

The last word

From the Bible, Mark 11 verse 25: “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

Middle East peace talks: what’s in a handshake?

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“Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.”
Cherie Carter-Scott

News

This week President Obama has brought together four government leaders for the nearly impossible task of making a fresh agreement on peace in the Middle East.  Israel’s prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu shook hands with Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas, as Jordan and Egypt’s heads of state looked on.  Talks began in Washington on Thursday to try and find a way forward on the intractable issues of West Bank settlements, security, the borders of a Palestinian State, Jerusalem and the refugee issue.

While this fresh initiative is to be welcomed and encouraged, there are limits to what heads of state can do, for all their vigorous efforts and noble speeches.  Mr Abbas only represents the West Bank Palestinians; Hamas, who rule Gaza, are excluded from the talks.  Then there is no telling whether these leaders’ successors will keep their commitments (Egypt’s President Mubarak is 82 and frail).  Also there are militant groups in each country who may seek to sabotage the process – such as those responsible for killing 4 Israeli settlers on Tuesday.

What hope is there of these talks leading to a lasting peace?  Ultimately what is needed is the reconciliation of peoples who are deeply suspicious and fearful of each other.  The path towards rebuilding trust and the road to forgiveness are long and hard, but exemplary relational leadership can bring this about.  This is not primarily a task for heads of state but for “ordinary” Israelis and Palestinians learning to look at the other as a fellow human being again, and daring to take small steps of reconciliation in their direction, beginning, perhaps, with a handshake.

Read on...

While President Obama’s initiative makes the headlines, there are other organisations working unobtrusively behind the scenes to promote dialogue and build bridges of reconciliation.  One of these is our sister organisation, Concordis International, whose work you can read about here www.concordis-international.org/.  They recently produced a 28 page booklet on the Israeli Palestinian Conflict, which is available for free, or you can read it online www.concordis-international.org/files/pdfs/Concordis_Papers_VIII_UKChurches_ISRPALConflict_2ndEdition.pdf  

Walk the talk

Some of you may follow the Israeli-Palestinian conflict closely, others have perhaps lost sight of what it is all about.  While most of us are not in a position to get involved directly, you could support Concordis International and help bring about dialogue and reconciliation in Africa and the Middle East through them. Visit www.concordis-international.org/support-us.html  

The last word

From the Bible, Matthew 5, verse 9: “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.”